I was thinking about a piece of advice we see around the place so often. It reminds me of a book I recently read, (ad) Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.

The idea is that when we like or dislike something about another person, it can sometimes reflect an attribute we like or dislike about ourselves. In other words, another person may be mirroring something back to us.

I decided to run through this in my mind.

What Are Our Relationships Trying To Show Us?

Which people do I most admire? What is it about them that I like so much?

Then I thought about the people who annoy me. What is it about them that grates on me?

I was curious to discover which aspects of myself might benefit from a little more “work”.

While thinking about the latter, I realised that some of those attributes are not part of my life today. Rather, they belong to my past.

A couple of the things I disliked about particular people are not things that describe me now, yet they do describe some of the ways I used to be.

I concluded (and this is important), that those elements from my past, were likely parts of me for which I’d not yet forgiven myself.

Which is precisely the reason that they are still “alive” today and are instantly activated when I meet someone who demonstrates those behaviors.

What Are We Still Carrying?

We all have a history.

There are things we have done that we are proud of, things we wish we had done differently and things we may prefer not to think about at all.

Sometimes, we move forward in life and assume that because we no longer behave in a certain way, we have completely left that part of ourselves behind.

Yet perhaps we have simply stopped looking at it.

A past mistake can leave us with a lingering feeling of shame. A time when we were unkind can leave us uncomfortable when we see similar behaviour in someone else. A period when we lacked confidence may make another person’s insecurity particularly difficult to tolerate.

None of this means that every person who annoys us is a reflection of our past.

Sometimes, someone is simply behaving in a way that we find unpleasant. Sometimes, our values are different. Sometimes, a person’s behaviour crosses a boundary that we quite rightly need to maintain.

However, when a reaction feels unusually strong or when the same irritation keeps appearing in different relationships, it may be worth asking ourselves a question.

What is this situation bringing up for me?

Not as a way of blaming ourselves.

Rather, as an opportunity to understand ourselves a little better.

The Gift Of Self-Forgiveness

I concluded that if I want to improve my relationships, including the one I have with myself, I have some work to do.

Perhaps there are parts of my past that still need forgiveness.

Perhaps there are old beliefs about myself that need to be reconsidered.

Perhaps there are memories that I have never really allowed myself to acknowledge.

Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending that something didn’t happen. It doesn’t mean saying that our actions didn’t matter or that we shouldn’t take responsibility for them.

It means being willing to acknowledge what happened, understand what we can learn from it and stop punishing ourselves forever.

We can say:

“I made a mistake.”

“I didn’t know then what I know now.”

“I wish I had handled that differently.”

“I can take responsibility without continuing to hate myself.”

There is something very freeing about recognising that the person we were in the past was still learning how to live.

Aren’t we all still learning?

Are You Willing To Let Go?

On my computer desktop, I have a question which asks:

“Are you willing to let go of the thoughts, situations, people and actions that are keeping you where you are?”

I think it’s an important question.

Sometimes, we avoid looking too closely at ourselves because we are afraid of what we might find.

We may hold on to an old belief because it feels familiar. We may continue to replay a past situation because, in some strange way, it has become part of our identity.

We may even believe that we must continue to feel guilty in order to prove that we are sorry.

Yet carrying guilt forever is not the same as making amends.

Holding on to an old story is not the same as learning from it.

What if we could begin to loosen our grip?

What if we could accept that something happened, recognise how it affected us and choose not to let it determine everything that happens next?

Awareness Is The First Step

I have come to believe that awareness is the beginning of change.

Before we can change an automatic reaction, we need to become aware of it.

Before we can release an old belief, we need to recognise that we are carrying it.

Before we can forgive ourselves, we need to be willing to look at the part of our story that still needs our kindness.

The first step is always awareness and a willingness to “be” with “what is”. Only through acceptance of every part of us can we be open to making changes and taking on a new “way of being”, refreshing how we interpret the events in our life.

This doesn’t mean that we have to uncover every painful memory or analyse every reaction.

Sometimes, a simple question is enough to begin.

“What am I feeling right now?”

“What has this situation reminded me of?”

“Is my reaction about what is happening today or is something older being stirred up?”

“Is there something I need to forgive myself for?”

“Is there a belief about myself that I am ready to question?”

We don’t need to have all the answers immediately.

We can simply become more curious about our inner workings.

Once we are in touch with our inner workings and can see the source of our ‘automatic reactions’ (as opposed to our more conscious responses), we’ll know exactly where we need to be doing our work.

What We Resist Persists

There is a saying that “what we resist, persists”.

While it isn’t a universal law, there is something useful in the idea.

When we continually push away an uncomfortable thought or feeling, it may remain unresolved. When we refuse to acknowledge something that matters to us, it can continue to influence our choices and reactions.

For example, if we believe that we are not good enough, we may pay more attention to experiences that seem to confirm that belief.

We continue to “collect more evidence” for what we believe to be true! So, if our belief is one that does not support our goals, we can entrench and compound that belief until it feels like an absolute truth and we begin to think that it cannot be any other way. This can keep us stuck or have us spinning our wheels in the sand!

If we believe that people cannot be trusted, we may become especially alert to signs of disappointment.

If we believe that we must always be perfect, a small mistake may feel much bigger than it really is.

Our beliefs can influence what we notice, how we interpret events and how we respond.

The good news is that a belief is not necessarily a fact.

A familiar reaction is not necessarily the only response available to us.

We can learn to pause.

We can question.

We can choose differently.

A Little Clearing Of The Way

Once we do become aware of something that needs a bit of work (something that wants forgiveness or clearing) and we shove it aside, then it can keep popping up for us until we deal with it.

We can push it aside and hope it disappears.

Or we can gently acknowledge it and ask what it needs from us.

Perhaps it needs forgiveness.

Perhaps it needs acceptance.

Perhaps it needs a conversation, an apology or a new boundary.

Perhaps it needs us to stop carrying responsibility for something that was never ours to carry.

There are many approaches that people find helpful when working through emotional patterns.

One of the tools I love to use is tapping.

You may find it helpful to learn more about Thought Field Therapy® and see how it works.

Get the free guide at (ad) Thought Field Therapy® and learn how it’s done.

I would recommend getting yourself a copy of (ad) Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, as well.

Your Forward Step Today

Think of someone you admire.

What is it about them that you admire so much?

Now think of someone who irritates you.

What is it about their behaviour that you find difficult?

Ask yourself:

“Is there something here that reminds me of my past?”

“Is there a quality I would like to develop in myself?”

“Is there something I need to forgive myself for?”

Perhaps the answer is simply that this person behaves in a way that doesn’t suit me and I need to honour that.

Either way, you have learned something.

You have become a little more aware.

Awareness gives us the opportunity to choose our next step.

Are you willing to let go of the thoughts, situations, people and actions that are keeping you where you are?

Perhaps today is a good day to begin.

One small step at a time.

Hi, I'm Thea Westra at Forward Steps (forwardstepsblog.com)

Since March 2003, I've been sharing practical, positive, thought provoking and inspiring self improvement content online. My aim is simple - to offer tips and resources that help us enhance our daily experience of life and to keep stepping forward. Perth, Western Australia is the place I call home and I'm the author of "Time For My Life: 365 Stepping Stones". You might also know me from the Forward Steps personal development blog and the daily series of "365 Forward Steps Notes", all designed to add wings to our unique life journeys.

CLICK HERE To Trigger More Of Those Forward Steps 'Aha' Light Bulb Moments!