Getting there is half the fun, the other half is the fun that we have along the journey. Take a breather and remember to lighten up, making time for laughing at ourselves.
Below, I’ve listed 88 of my favorite, humorous self improvement joke lines and funny quotes. I know you’ll love the video too…
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this, and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
“What day is it?”, asked Pooh. “It’s today”, squeaked Piglet. “My favorite day”, said Pooh. – quoted from book by A.A. Milne
Everything comes in threes? Not true! In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when 3 ones come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. In medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.
You learn something new every day. Actually, you learn something old every day! Just because you have just learned it doesn’t mean it’s new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example.
Tomorrow is another day. Not necessarily true! Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can’t be sure. If it happens, I’ll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it will be today again.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?” (Isn’t that a bit like life, when we seek external advice for how we ought to live our days?)
Q: What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? A: “Make me one with everything.”
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Two atoms walk into a store. One turns to the other and says, “I think I lost an electron!” The other replies, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive.” (How could YOU too lose an electron today!)
One zen student said, “My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating.” The second said, “My teacher has so much self control, he can go days without sleep.” The third said, “My teacher is so wise that he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired.”
You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. -Dr. Suess quote
If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen …one. If you’ve seen them all, THEN you’ve seen them all. I don’t even understand how this one got started.
“Some people like my advice so much, they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.” (quote by Gordon R. Dickson)
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.” (quote by Jack Handey)
Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they’re yours! (a quote from Richard Bach)
A student asked Zen teacher Steve Allen, “If you were given a wish-fulfilling jewel, what would you wish for?” “To stop wishing,” replied Allen.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient & achieve all things faster.
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Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
The average man does not know what to do with his life, yet wants another one which will last forever. (Quote by Anatole France)
It’s not so much what folks don’t know that causes problems; it’s what they do know that ain’t so. (quote by Artemus Ward)
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
A dead thing can go with the stream, only a living thing can go against it.
Today is the last day of some of your life.
5 frogs are sitting on a log, and 3 decided to jump off. How many frogs are left? 5 frogs! They decided to jump, yet never did.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
The early bird gets the worm, however, the second mouse gets the cheese.
A person will sometimes devote all their life to the development of one part of their body, the wishbone. – a quote by Robert Frost
There are several ways to become an expert, self-appointment being the most common. – a quote by Robert Brault
I do my work at the same time each day – the last minute!
I am sitting here looking at the most amazing person I have ever seen, smart, funny, caring, and absolutely stunning! Yes, I am looking in the mirror!
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
The average pencil is seven inches long, with only a half-inch eraser (in case you thought optimism was dead)
The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill. – a quote from W. Clement Stone
The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever [s]he is. – a quote from C.S. Lewis
If someone talked to you the way you talk to yourself, you would have kicked them out of you life a long ago!
In life, you’ll meet 2 types of people. The ones who inspire you and the ones who bring you down. In the end, you’ll be thanking both.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
Imagine how different life would be if you literally said everything that was on your mind, out loud.
If ‘Plan A’ doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. Sometimes, some of us just are the others!
The trouble with real life, is that there is no danger music.
It’s mandatory that we grow old. Growing up is optional.
Those who can’t laugh at themselves, leave the job to others.
Remember, you are unique, just like everyone else.
Never say, “That won’t happen to me”. Life has strange ways of proving us wrong.
“Advice is what we ask for, when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” -a quote by Erica Jong
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half, then put it back in your pocket.
We are only young once, yet we can be immature forever.
One of life’s greatest pleasures, is doing what people say you cannot do.
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.
When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us. -Alexander Graham Bell
There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can’t. What you’ve got to do is turn around, and say, “Watch me!”
If you’re going through hell why would you want to stop? Keep going!
Most people learn by observation and there are the few who learn by experimentation. Then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it’s really hot.
According to the laws of physics a bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly, yet a bumblebee doesn’t know this, so it flies!
Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is! -Jeffrey Gitomer
If you don’t like the truth, then don’t make it the truth. -J.W. Snootz
Don’t get old; there is no future in it. -CL Gammon
Yes, I’ve learned from my mistakes, and I’m sure I could repeat them perfectly. -Jonathan Coe
Even if you fall flat on your face, you’re still moving forward. -Victor Kiam
My life is interesting enough with out you adding drama, thank you very much. Now can you please leave? -Bryan A. Fritz
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. -Elbert Hubbard
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. -Isaac Asimov
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. -Mark Twain
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. -Theodore Roosevelt
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. -Douglas Adams
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. -Lily Tomlin
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. -Bertrand Russell
If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner. -Tallulah Bankhead
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. -Josh Billings
Reality continues to ruin my life. -Bill Watterson
Cure for an obsession: get another one. -Mason Cooley
I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. -Charles M. Schulz
I consider that our brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. -Arthur Conan Doyle
It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. -W. Somerset Maugham
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. -Reba McEntire
Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of. -Maya Angelou
Memories are doing funny things to us. -Milos Forman
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